My roommate took this picture of himself trying to pet the cat that lives with us. This photo pretty much captures what she’s like all the time. She’s an asshole.

Don’t worry. I’m not gonna kick her out or anything. But I’m going to make her start paying rent.

by Erik Fountain

How to write TV

OMG! Look what Banksy did to this mountain!!

I love the movie Say Anything.  My favorite part is when Frasier’s dad forgets to take his clothes off while taking a bath.  He also forgets to turn the water on.  LOL!  The writing on Frasier is so smart!

You know this guy only got his job because of his dad.

I have to live with this floozy.

When I laugh, I make a very shrill, high pitched cackle.  Sort of like Roseanne, but sans the hundreds of pounds and vagina.  It can be embarrassing.

During the rehearsal of my first episode of Community I was cackling pretty hard and this annoyed Chevy.  The following is my nervous exchange between myself and Mr. Chase.

Chevy: Why are you laughing?
Me: …
Chevy: You think this is funny?
Me: Yes.
Chevy: Didn’t you write this?
Me: Yes.
Chevy: Then you must think that everything you write is hilarious.
Me: Yes.

The End

He’s taller than me, so he wins.

TV.com screwed up my date of birth, but the rest checks out.

The Real World: Los Angeles

Whenever anyone says the words “true story,” I always annoy the fuck out of them by singing those same words with a country accent à la Jon Brennan.  True story.

This paid my rent in 2008.  (I play Captain Ethnic)

Thanks, Kellogg’s, for the money, and all the nightmares you’ve given to countless children.